Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out
Wow, I have to say I feel so silly for writing some of this, I feel like I’m making such a big deal out of everything. What happened to me anyway? Well I only had my heart-broken. There are so many people out there who have far bigger problems than this.
But you see, it’s just that; I had my heart-broken.
And when something happens to the heart, everything else goes out of perspective. This may sound crazy, some of you may know what I mean, some of you may not. Some of you may know this feeling, some of you may not.
Things can just become so overwhelming sometimes, I really don’t know how to explain this feeling. It’s a whole combination of everything; sadness, sorrow, frustration, regret, confusion, happiness, emptiness, hurt, thankfulness and longing… and all the emotions are fighting against each other.
And all you end up doing is crying…I’ve been crying for the past few days.
I think to myself, I can do this, I can let go, let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back anymore…but then I think of him. I think of being with him. I think of how happy I was. I remember that feeling, that feeling of being loved, of being wanted. And I want that feeling back so bad, I just feel like I’m going to burst with longing. And then I think, don’t be stupid, it’s over, its gone…and then I think, why!? Why is it over? And I see him, and everything I love about him is right there in front of me, and it reminds me how once I could have just grabbed his hand and ran away with him to the stars, but now I can’t even talk to him without questioning whether he wants to talk back.
This feeling tastes like a dry mouth, a bitter piece of chocolate. Melted caramel.
This feeling sounds like, screaming, screaming in the pitter patter of rain. Like laughing…maybe hysterically. Like a piano beating out a longing tune. Like say something, I’m giving up on you.
This feeling looks like, layers of paper, scribbled on and screwed up, falling out of a bin. Like the foreboding rain cloud, will it rain, will it not? Will I cry? Will I not? Looks like, a person stumbling falling, legs falling out from under you, yet clutching to regain their standing position.
This feeling feels like, an absence of a hand, the memory of a kiss, gone. Like a fist being pushed hard against your chest. Like a gentle tear falling down a cheek. Falling, and then streaming.
This feeling smells like ash.
The passion ignited and then it burned, burned, burned…but then it all burnt out, nothing was being put on the fire to keep it going. Now my heart is like ash, soft, crumbling, dissolving on impact with the ground…gone, the ash is gone, my heart is gone, where has it gone?
Where has it gone?
This love, this love I felt, it filled me up! And now, this love is not needed, and it doesn’t know what to do with itself.
Phew, now I got that out, I can carry on with this post. See that is the feeling.
Whenever I think of letting go, I think of how much I don’t want to let go.
And that is what puts me in a bit of a predicament.
So maybe, it’s not in letting go – my stubborn heart isn’t ready for such a thing yet – maybe I just have to focus on other things my heart loves. And this love that I have, I can put it into these other things.
So what do I love? What makes me happy?
When I ask that question to myself. I think him.
He is who I love. He makes me happy.
I experienced a whole new type of happiness with him and it was a beautiful sort of happiness, one that only love can make you feel….but gently I know I have to pull my heart away from him and think of the other things.
And so I do;
Hmm, so I love my friends, my dear friends who are always there for me.
I love my family, the best of me.
I love reading, it’s a whole other world.
I love skiing, the snow, the fun, skiing with Dad, it makes me happy.
I love tramping, that feeling of pushing yourself so hard, and it all being worth it when you reach that stunning, breathe-taking vista.
I love helping people, from giving advice with little problems, to helping people with an English question they don’t understand. To helping people in other countries. THIS IS MY PASSION!
I love school -crazy right- but its true! I love the opportunities it provides to learn and to be with friends and people (oh yeah another one, I LOVE LEARNING!)
And I love people, they’re amazing, everyone’s amazing.
I love quotes, of course. They’re inspiring!
I love sunflowers. They’re beautiful!
I love swimming in the sea; you can just let everything float away, and let all the feelings sink away into the depths down far, far below.
I love playing guitar, and I love listening to music. My happy songs at the moment are: Rescue by Yuna http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTmFmEBeEog and Free By Rudimental ft. Emeli Sande https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDPW_g2AhAU
It’s amazing how songs can move you. These songs make me feel strong. But when I’m on the verge of giving into the overwhelming feeling I can’t help but listen to sad songs. These are the ones where I let the tears flow.
And I never thought I’d be able to relate so much to a song by Taylor Swift: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zlot0i3Zykw
Losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red
and of course this part:
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes
Tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible
When I still see it all in my head
In burning red
Burning, it was red
Right so where is this post going? It is going forwards.
Because forwards and onwards is the only way through this emotional labyrinth.
My new quote to focus on is this: Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out
I just have to make the best. I know its going to be hard. It is hard.
I know I’ll never stop wishing for these things, these impossible things (wow saying that hurts). I’m such a hopeful person, one who never gives up and who always fights for what I love. It’s apart of who I am.
But I have to let this one go. I cannot fight for this one. I’ll always hope he might like me back again. But this ones impossible.
SO I have to make the best of the way this one turned out.